One of the hazards of insomnia is that I tend to blow things out of proportion as I lie sleepless in bed.
But there's still an amount of truth in it; I have hit a pretty deep hole at the moment. I guess part of it comes from that this will most probably be my last year studying Japanology. No real courses after this year, and if I get the Bachelor's thesis done, then that's that.
The other, more significant part, is a feeling of loneliness. Being at the age I am with no experience with relationships; many that I started school with have already moved on to other things, be it work, other education or exchange studies, or otherwise busy working on their own thesis. New students coming in each year, and with me usually taking at least a year before I really warm up to new people, and on top of that not having the same native language as most of them, I experience a certain sense of alienation.
At the bottom of this, I believe, lies an incident that happened roughly six months ago.
I had once again found myself in the position where I was interested in a girl, but this time I thought there were signs that the interest was actually mutual. But maybe my feelings clouded my vision, for when I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out, I got a very strange response. Not a 'yes' nor a 'no', but simply... nothing. She acted like she literally couldn't get away from me soon enough.
After that followed a couple of days of very odd situations where I would try to greet her only to be met with silence. It didn't take long before I got the hint and just stopped even trying. I was apparently such a perverted being for following my feelings rather than the rational side that tells me I'm useless that she could risk treating me like a person.
A couple of months pass, and suddenly I hear I'm invited to a party she's having. So she was at least acknowledging my existence again, though it wasn't much more than that. Having gone there it felt like I had been invited only as a formality. And ever since then I've had this feeling, whenever we're in the same location, that I'm not really wanted there; that it would be best if I wasn't there at all.
要らない人間。
Edit: This is probably the most personal thing I've written here, and I
know I've stated in the past that I didn't want it to turn into one of those blogs where the writer just nags about his life, but I want to stress that it felt like my head was literally falling apart. I did it more for my own sanity's sake than anything else.
