Monday, October 17, 2005

The 7 types of bloggers

Maybe a mix between "The Everyone Else Seems To Be Doing It Type" and "The Smug Self-Centred Columnists".

Which one are you?

Edit: Looks like Kill All Blogs!-blog went to a premature death, but thanks to the Google cache I can resurrect the relevant parts:
7 Steps to Blogging Hell”

The Wretched Personal Blogger: This is the “my life is shit, I hate myself and I want to die” approach to blogging or the forlorn lovers. You remember the kind from school, brooding loners with an inclination towards the morose poetry of TS Eliot and hanging around cemeteries after dark. They hated you and your friends because you had friends and blamed their unpopularity on being misunderstood by society at large. They called themselves deep and meaningful. The rest of us just called them losers and tossers. Now they use the blogosphere like a counselling session and for depressing the rest of us with their glum navel gazing and posting dark lyrics from talentless Goth bands. Yes you did get one thing right though: your blogs are shit, we all hate you so please just fuck off and die a slow torturous death.

The Delicate Empathetic Flower: You know the ones, they’ve overcome adversity in their lives but are now so damned positive as a result. They’re in touch with their feminine sides and love everyone. They have a tendency to get sentimental but counteract this by posting current photos of the sky and telling us all about the great support they get from their friends and family. They are quick to hand out positive advice to others, which is so pathetically obvious you wonder whether it would have been better if they had been put down at birth. The only thing these kind of bloggers are useful for is helping to detox our systems with their vomit inducing posts. The Chris Martins and Gwyneth Paltrows of the blog world!

The Stinking Arty Farts: Generally fancy themselves as photographers or modern artists. They post photography every day of such meaningless subjects like their route to the bathroom or the dregs left at the bottom of their coffee mugs. They never have anything critical to say about anyone else’s photography even when, to the rest of us, it’s a stinking crock of shit. They generally work in the classified sections of newspapers or web companies but pretend they work on the art desks. Best way of dealing with these pretentious fools is to post a photo of a fresh dog turd and tell them their “art” inspired you.

The Smug Self-Centred Columnists: These are the wannabe newspaper columnists. Generally well educated and with a host of initials after their names. However, what they don’t realise are that these letters tend to form anagrams of words like “wanker” or “bastard”. They like to give their opinions on the news, politics and current events. Of course, the rest of us don’t take a blind bit of notice and visit the BBC or CNN for our fix of the news. They blog simply because everyone who knows the away from the net won’t have anything to do with them because they are the worlds biggest bores too fond of their own voices. Good fun to leave comments on their blogs asking for porn and if they get naked on cam.

The Oh So Bloody Funny Fool: Bloggers who think they are so amusing and are under the misconception they have an internet cult following. The reality is everyone is laughing at them rather than with them. Tend to litter their blogs with links to so called amusing anecdotes on obscure websites, generally because they can’t actually think of anything funny to post. They tend to be ageing graduates or ex 6th formers who still think the epitome of a “good laugh” is walking home after a night at the pub with a traffic cone on their head. Have a lot of spare time to blog as they tend to be “in-between jobs right now”. The truth is they are unemployable with their media studies degrees.

The Unsexy Sexual Blogger:
Often found lurking behind sexblogs with titles like ‘A Cum Whores Diary’ or ‘Spank Me Wank Me : Confessions of a Politicians Rent Boy’. Seem to think the whole world wants to read about their imagined sex exploits with badgers, vibrating toys and the quadriplegic in the apartment below. Truth is these bloggers are getting less sex than the rest of us because they spend every hour searching porn sites for photos to copy and paste. Their main ambition is to eventually seal a multi million-dollar book deal for their sexblog. Wankers!

The Everyone Else Seems To Be Doing It Type: Until a week ago they had never heard of blogs. They then heard about them on a daytime chat show and just had to have one. They blog for the sake of it and never, ever actually have anything to say. These are the internet equivalents of watching paint dry. Their blogs tend to be in diary type formats and are worth reading just to make us happy that we’re not them. We couldn’t give a shit about your children, your boring job or your fucking pets!
-Windscreen Fly, Kill All Blogs! (gone)


Ainu said...


The site is gone. Forever?
Well, I already know that I'm the self-centered type!

Jacke said...

Hmm, looks like it got deleted... Please hold while I get my magic web-wand... (Did that sound sort of kinky? Oh well.)

Ainu said...

Yes, it did sound kinky, but because you mentioned it. I think I'm Everybody seems do be doing it type of blogger..