I've seen some people talking about the National Novel Writing Month, and thinking a bit that it would be good for me to do it too. The only problem is that I have a strong fear of failing, or in the case of NaNoWriMo (as it's oddly shortened to), not producing one of the top novels.
I'm sure that it stems somehow from my low self-esteem, preferring to not do something rather than doing my best and realizing my fears that I suck at it. This is especially the case in competitions where there's a cash price. There is a yearly writing competition here, every other year poems, every other year short-stories; I've thought many times of entering, but I keep thinking that if I'm going to enter I'm going to do it right, reading previous winners and crafting the perfect story so I'd be guaranteed the first prize. This however would require time and effort that is difficult to muster. The answer of course is to just write what I want and let the chips fall by themselves, but that means I might not get a cash prize, which is, to be honest, a large part of the competition (being a material boy such as myself).
While I'm talking about writing, I'd like to mention that while I can speak and write (damn near) fluent English, It's still not a language that I see myself primarily writing in. When I look back on the texts that I've written in English, it seems all too good, too easily accomplished; when I write in Swedish, on the other hand, I feel as if I can express that little extra that can spice up the language. It's a bit like, when I write in English, I'm writing just pulp, but when I do it in Swedish, it's something that's approaching literature. I'm not sure if outsiders who read both languages would be able to spot the same difference that I feel is in the text, but for me the gap between the two is quite visible.
Apologies, my mind just went blank all of a sudden.